Almost a mother...

Entry is taken from my FB notes.

His last image during our 19weeks check up @ Naluri

Closing of a sad chapter: Remembering our little bambino

I wasn't realize that yesterday was the last day for the year 2010. i guess the ending for this year was the toughest one so far. me and my hubby were going through another sad chapter in our life right now. how i wish if i can just keep it nicely in a a box, sealed and buried so that the pain and heartache can go but i guess certain things are easier said than done. so i decided to write it here as every time i was being asked about wut happen on that day, it has never failed to stop tears from coming down.

it was christmas and we were just got back from a cousin wedding in bagan serai. on our way back from my mil's house, we stop by to tapau dinner. it was around 9.30 at that time. as i waited for my hubby inside the car i was having this pain. i tot it was due to the urinary tract infection (uti) since our obgyn told me that the uti was still there during our tuesday routine check up. we went home, had our dinner and slept early. it was already 2.00am but i cudn't sleep due to the pain. it has becoming more frequent. it was so painful and i also noticed some discharged came out every time i go to the loo. i switched on the pc and start googling for info and found out that it cud be 'air ketuban' and the painful thingy cud be a contraction. my baby is only 19 weeks.. i cannot be having all this now. tried not to panicked, i start to take the timing of the pain. the pain came every 15-20 minutes. so i woke my husband up and told him about the googling info and the liquid discharge. he rushed me to the clinic nearby. sakitnyer and makin banyak air keluar.. up until the point that the water burst and bdak registration clinic tu cakap akak kencing ke. doc told my husband to rush me to the nearest hospital asap. i started crying not knowing wut was happening and sbb sakit makin kuat n kerap. i talked to my baby "baby duduk dlm diam2 ok, ayah bwk kite g hospital". by the time we reached hospital selayang emergency i was rushed to the doc's room. i cannot remember anything except for when the doc told d nurse that my baby dah nak kluar. dlm hati i talked to my baby "baby takleh kluar dulu sbb u r still kecik.. baby sabar n duduk dulu diam2 dlm perut mummy ok" the nurse told my husband that we are going to 11th floor. sitting on the wheelchair all the way to the 11th floor the pain has becoming more frequent. the doc @ 11th floor told me that ur baby is coming out mase dkt atas katil dlm bilik rawatan but we have to wait for ur serviks to be fully dilated and she said she can no longer see my baby heartbeat. i was trying to be positive and told my baby dlm hati "mebbe sbb baby dah engaged kat serviks kat bwh, sbb tu doc takleh nampak jantung baby" so they bring me to katil no 11 and plan to give me something to ease the pain. br sampai dkt bed 11 tu i told d doc and d nurse i rase macam nak berak.. so there n then d doc asked me to try to push every time contraction dtg. within few pushed i can feel that my baby came out and doc told me to keep pushing slowly sbb diorg nak kluarkan uri. doc tanye do you want to see your baby and all i can do is nod. there he was my beautiful baby boy. i can see his tiny fingers are all complete, his beautiful eyes, nose and mouth are already completely form. doc even show me his little birdie. birdie yg kitorg sgt excited tgk mase scan hari selasa lepas dgn doc kay dekat naluri. airmata terus turun laju.. "mummy dapat jumpa baby finally.. even kejap je...." after that all i can remember is the face of my baby..

my along told me that my baby's face is just like me.. i remember sempat told my husband that i want to name him baby kharleel.. sbb ade berangan sorang2 jugak nama baby cuma me and my husband blum decide on his name officially.

being admitted again at the same ward 11 kat hospital selayang due to fever and the katil 17 is exactly facing katil 11 tempat where i delivered my baby is so tough, up until i order the curtain on the left side to be close all the time so i don't have to look at the katil 11. Alhamdullilah after 3 days, dmam finally ok and dah boleh discharge.

to my husband "sorry for losing anak ayah.... and i cannot thank u enough for everything that u have done for me and anak ayah"

to my family members, in laws and my bff qimie .. thank u so much for being there for me..

to my colleagues in cx.. thank u sbb ambil berat and tanye kabar.

and to lydia, semah, wan, iza, diane, yaya, murni thanks for visiting and cheering up my day

and to those yg anta fb message, sms, bbm... thank u for the support.

and lastly.. to my baby kharleel.. "thank u sbb bahagiakan mummy and ayah even if it's only for 19 weeks. sorry sbb mummy tak sempat pegang and kiss baby.. nanti bile mummy dah sihat mummy pegi visit kubur baby ok.."

Assalamualaikum and Happy New Year

Alhamdulillah am getting stronger and better. Thanks to the continuous support from hubby, families and beloved friends. People always said good things happen to good people. I guess though it has left me with a deep scar, as a muslim i believe that our anak ayah is now safe in God's hand. May his soul rest in peace. Amin.

Mummy and ayah will always love u...